A brain injury can turn your world upside down overnight. The routines and relationship you shared with your partner are no longer the same. It feels like, all alone, you have to run the house, care for your partner, care for your kids (if you have any), and take control of things that feel out of your control. For your partner, they may feel inadequate, like they are a burden in your life rather than an equal.
Take it from Mark and I’s experience, you will get through this. Your life will, however, change after a brain injury, which is even more reason to seek help. Mark and I are eternally grateful for the help we received through the difficult patches, which is why Brain or Shine exists today.
Help is all around you, and you can start by helping yourself today. We’ve been through it, so we can point you in the right direction. Allow us to show you what we mean…
Learn About Brain Injuries: What is Your Partner Experiencing?
Understanding the struggles your partner is facing is a great way to start. To get the help you need, you first need to know where you stand. This includes educating yourself on common symptoms of a brain injury, and how it looks for your partner.
Symptoms and capabilities can fluctuate from day to day. I would recommend journaling these changes and your day-to-day life. This not only helps your partner remember things they may have forgotten, but it helps you both recognise patterns in your life.
Use Mark and I’s ‘What the Hell Just Happened’ book as a reference. It delves into our personal experiences of bereavement, brain injury and breast cancer. It describes how our relationship changed, how we supported one another, and what resilience looked like in practice. It offers practical insights (even if not all the answers), about how to keep going when everything feels like it’s changed. Things like knowing when to reach out, when to lean on others, when to give yourself grace, when to allow yourself to not be okay.
From here you can figure out what works and what doesn’t and plan your life around these changes. Maybe you can start dedicating more time taking walks outside or forming a regimented routine that keeps things consistent. However, you plan on moving forward, it helps to keep track.
If you’re interested in reading our book, please click here to visit our shop.
Communication Is Everything
With this new change, it is essential that you and your partner work together when you can.
The best way you can do this is by communicating: openly, honestly, and frequently. You should both feel comfortable and confident to tell the other when stress becomes too much. It may be harder for you, since there may be a hint of guilt when expressing your own worries when your partner has suffered a traumatic injury, but what is important to remember is that you are perfectly entitled to feelings of stress, inadequacy, and maybe grief for the life you have had to leave behind.
You should also be working together when making decisions about how you move forward. You may now have more responsibilities than you had before, but it’s up to you both to talk these things through together and share this burden where you can.
It can feel hard to talk about the difficult things with your partner, so if it’s easier, start by talking to friends or family. They understand that you will be struggling, so they will appreciate you confiding in them.
Remember that communication brings clarity, and your stress shouldn’t be silent.
Sharing The Burden: What Can You Do Together?
When there is a shift of burdens in your relationship, it’s easy to fall into the mindset of doing it all. Your intention is to give your partner space to heal and adapt, while you take care of the practical things.
A brain injury is a hidden disability after all. While your partner may seem perfectly fine on the outside, they are battling a war against themselves on the inside. One day they may feel like they can conquer everything, and others they may not feel capable of anything.
With communication in mind, consider what will help you both. You, with your responsibilities, and your partner, with their feeling of not doing enough.
Work together and let your partner take the lead. For example, your partner may not be able to cook a whole meal, but they can help you prepare the ingredients. Or, they can’t finish the laundry by themself, but they can help you fold some clothes.
Doing things together helps you both with your respective struggles. You feel like you don’t have to do things alone, and your partner feels like they can support you while you support them. Together, this quality time will also strengthen your relationship. You can work together through things and celebrate them together too.
That is the most important part, share the highs and the lows. Work together when things get hard and celebrate together when things start looking positive - even the small things.
The Takeaways
It all comes down to shifting your mindset, communicating with each other and your loved ones, and sharing the burden when you can. Practice gratitude for the small things. You are both alive, and you have each other.
Support does not equate to shame, take it from someone who has been in your shoes. You can find many resources on our website to help you through this time - we exist to support you, so take advantage of our advice.
Remember your value, remember the people who care about you, and remember to support yourself, especially when your partner cannot.
A gentle reminder: you are not alone.