Navigating life after a brain injury is both a blessing and a curse. Not only for the victim, but for us partners too. You’re incredibly grateful they’re alive, but their behaviour, mood and memory can all change. This will more than likely impact your relationship too.
Even if your partner is high functioning, a brain injury is still an injury with many hidden challenges, and it can be difficult to adapt to.
It can be very hard to take on the brunt of now supporting the both of you in your relationship, so finding that balance between being there for your partner and for yourself is crucial. Seeking help as Mark and I have done is the best advice we can give, as you don’t have to face it alone.
So, let’s dive deeper into these changes, and most importantly, address how they can reshape your relationship…
The Days After The Injury: Navigating The New Normal
Normality as you both knew it before the brain injury, unfortunately no longer exists. Whether that means having to make personal sacrifices like changing or leaving your job to better care for your partner, or reorganise your entire way of living – what plans you make, when you can do them and last-minute cancellations if your loved one is having a harder day than usual.
For Mark, he can’t remember the incident itself or the events that followed immediately afterwards. He had days where he felt absolutely fine and others where he felt like he couldn’t cope and shut down. That can be upsetting and challenging for everyone involved.
A person with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) can be in the hospital for months after the incident. It feels like time freezes when a traumatic event like this happens, but unfortunately life goes on no matter how difficult it gets. If you have kids, that is an extra added worry to your list. Any responsibilities you had before are up in the air, and navigating those while adjusting to life with a TBI is no small task.
Date nights, watching your favourite show together, travelling and visiting places you both want to see, all of a sudden feel out of reach now. You want to be there for your partner 24/7 and give them your all while they give their all to get back on their feet, but life can get in the way, and you are human too – you also need a break!
What Happens When Your Dynamic Changes?
You can easily slip into the roles of ‘patient’ and ‘carer’ rather than partners. It’s hard to know whether you should tip-toe around your partner or nudge them to overcome some of the challenges they are facing. That’s the issue with hidden disabilities, i’s hard to know just what’s going on when you can’t physically see the damage, and therefore it’s hard to know what the best course of action may be for recovery.
You may, like Mark and I were, be told to carry on as normal. That likely feels impossible, especially at the beginning, and that’s okay. It is possible to get back to normal, but it’s a new normal – not the one you once knew.
Sometimes, it takes a while for the quality time to begin again, which can be another tension point in your relationship.
Your focus is on your responsibilities, rebuilding your lives, and your partner’s health. You may feel selfish for just wanting your old partner back, or for just wanting a day off. That is natural though, and you are not alone.
By seeking help, you can begin to re-shift your focus onto your own needs as an individual and a partner/spouse. Lean on others around you, talk to family and friends, and be open and transparent with your partner that you too are reaching your breaking point. Life after brain injury is all about balance, and this is something that may take a while to get right.
Brain Injuries and Changes In Behaviour and Mood: Why Does It Drive a Wedge Between You?
Brain trauma is good at hiding itself and only showing its face when you least expect it. Some days your partner may seem ‘normal’, feeling generally content, being productive and in good spirits. The next day they may be withdrawn, maybe anxious about some upcoming plans, or hit with chronic fatigue. It can feel like a rollercoaster; one minute you think you’re making progress and the next minute you feel like you’re back at square one. But it’s important to remember that it is progress, it’s just not linear – and that is okay.
Changes in mood are common with brain injuries but it can still make you wonder if you are doing enough for your partner, and it can be hard not to take it personally if they are particularly short with you. The truth is, survivors often don’t even know they are acting that way, so learning not to take things personally has been a big learning curve for me. Now, if Mark is short, I will either give him some space to rest, or gently let him know that I’m picking up on a mood swing, and he will often apologise and take himself off for some rest so he can reset.
It’s easy to forget that your partner is fighting a battle way bigger than you can comprehend. You know that their low moods and isolation aren’t because of you, but naturally you will still struggle with that lack of or changes in affection from your partner.
Speak about these issues with your partner and reassure them that no one is to blame. Even if it feels like stating the obvious, remind them that you understand and will be there for them regardless.
Life After Trauma: How To Move On Together
Taking each day as it comes and being there for your partner is all it takes to keep making progress and maintain your relationship. It takes time, like any healing process, which is rarely linear. Remember, you are a team.
Like Mark and I, you’ll have good days, bad days, and everything in-between, but you will also have each other.
Reminding yourselves that this is not a battle that either of you have to face alone will help you both with your respective struggles.
A brain injury can hinder a relationship, but not destroy it. So take your time, and your patience with each other will mean everything.
Some Resources That May Help
Free Webinar: How A Brain Injury Can Impact Your Relationships
https://streamyard.com/watch/RVdVvWNT8iXr
Shining After Brain Injury Journal
https://brainorshine.com/b/shining-after-brain-injury-journal
Headway Helpline For Anyone Needing Support