Coping with Hidden Disabilities

When we ask you, what disability looks like, what do you imagine? Probably something obvious, physical. An injury like a broken arm perhaps. Wrapped up and cast, unable to perform its regular function. But what about mental disabilities? What about injuries hidden in the mind? It can be hard to imagine and frustrating for many experiencing these hidden disabilities like, fatigue, memory loss, depression, anxiety, and more.

Even the most high-functioning, healthy-looking person can be struggling with a hidden disability, not obvious on the surface. Yet, because they appear to be fine, they are expected to act fine. Opening up can be a scary thought, as well as asking for accommodation or explaining why you are unable to do something. Fearful of letting people down or being called “lazy” when needed to rest.

“I broke my wrist and the first thing that happened when I went to the hospital was, I was put in plaster for 6 weeks. And, of course, I got loads of sympathy… Going a few years after this, I could still feel the injury from writing sometimes, but it doesn’t really affect my life every single day… But with a brain injury, it’s been almost 12 years. And I know for a fact that at some point, in the next 24 hours, the wave of fatigue is going to wipe me out and there is nothing I can do about that.” Mark

A Lingering Injury

Those who experience hidden disabilities may have heard a variant of the phrase, “I had no idea, you look so good!” This can trigger a mix of emotions, sometimes veering into negative thoughts. It can feel dismissive, brushing aside the very real struggles faced daily. It can seem ignorant, especially from someone close who knew you when you had the brain injury.

But should it be negative? From their perspective, it’s a misunderstood attempt to be nice. You do look good! To them, it’s a compliment. Without educating them, how else would they know any better? This does not mean every time you take a rest, you should inform your friends why and go through a long speech on the hidden disabilities you face. But bring it up, don’t be afraid to say, “I may struggle with this today.”

Relationships

Relationships may be tested, strained, or drift away. It’s a hard truth that surviving a brain injury means your emotional boundaries and way of thinking are different, which can affect socialising. Missing birthday parties can mean upsetting someone but going means you’ll be put under too much pressure to be able to be friendly and conversational anyway. Yes, your friend may be sad now, but the best choice may not be the politest.

If you and a friend or loved one make plans but need to cancel for reasons out of your control, that’s a healthy and natural response. It will be disappointing for both parties but in the grand scheme, it’s what is best. Take care of yourself, small steps at a time, and appreciate the supportive close ones. Letting people down is an uncomfortable feeling but you mustn’t let yourself down.

Other aspects of hidden disabilities and brain injury are feeling on edge, quick to confrontation, and defensiveness. This can take a lot of energy out of you, as well as upsetting for everyone. It’s important to recognise when moods change and to take a step back for a moment. Give yourself and the other person time to communicate afterwards, talk about your feelings and apologise if necessary.

“I get really frustrated with it because we might have things planned that day that I’m really looking forward to… All of a sudden, what appears to be for no reason, one minute Mark is absolutely fine and the next minute, you can see straight away, he’s gone… And, we just have to change all of our plans, and that’s hard to accept because I was really looking forward to doing something and now, we can’t do it… But at the end of the day, I know deep down in my heart, that he wants to do it just as much as I do.” Jules